MOE TOE VATION

As in lack of or full of motivation.

These past few days I have been one major wet noodle. All I have wanted to do is stay in bed and sleep.  How is it possible for me to sleep 14 hours ?  And yet that is just what I did last night.  Around 7 PM I had eaten a nice dinner and just decided I was tired and wanted to go to bed.  SO I DID !
I woke up at 9 PM needing a pee stop, took a shower and WENT BACK TO BED.  I fell sound asleep again and woke up at 9AM this morning.  I was still not wanting to get up. But I did ! Ate some breakfast, put in some laundry and went BACK TO BED !  And slept another hour or so.

DEPRESSION you say? Well Hell Yes !  I think my body and brain are finally processing the fact that Husband is gone for good. Not just a long awaited holiday but a final and everlasting GONE!  I have been so busy and ecstatic about being on my own that reality hadn't taken hold of the BIG picture. I AM fine. In spite of some setbacks I am good. Over the years I have learned not to fight myself. If I feel tired and uninspired I just go with it.  If I feel sleepy, I will sleep. If I feel cranky I will piss and moan and if I feel like crying I can do that too! Husband always used to make fun of me and say to people I could cry at a cat food commercial on TV. And it is true.  Given the right mind set I can cry at nothing.
That's a good thing too cause I don't keep stuff in. As Grand Daughter Kaelin would sing, "LET IT GO!".  And so it seems that is exactly what I am needing to do. My body and brain are telling me to let some more "stuff" go. Not in the way of purging my home of stuff like I have been doing for the past 3 months but in letting my soul heal a little more. I've been very busy with the out of body stuff so I guess now I need to spend some time on the inside body things that are still with me.

This afternoon I roused from my lethargy and put on MUSIC.  There is nothing better than music to help me to heal.  I'm feeling better, moving around more and ready to come back to life. Even if only for a bit before the next swing hits me.  Since Ger is gone there have been a lot less swings hitting me in the back of the head. No one here to trigger my moods. This would be an excellent case study for doctors to look into.  Are women's moods hormonal or caused by husbands ?  I bet no one REALLY wants the true answer to that ! There is probably some chemical that husbands emit that causes wives to go into attack mode.

What ever is going on I'm rolling with it.  I think I need to DO less outside and spend a little more time healing. I can do that !!